ME

Sitting in class I am conjuring up thoughts
I try to think of things that make me stronger and at the same time weaker?
How do I answer this riddle?
How do I answer who is Me?
Me, me, me…. Who are you me?
Answer: Food silly!
Me: How?
Answer: Think love think!
Me: Hmm … eureka!
My legs aren’t legs anymore
They look like pears- fat from the top slim from the bottom
My stomach isn’t my stomach anymore
It is a rajma/bean- Fat accumulated at the ends and a deep indention from the middle showing my jeans marks left behind
My hands aren’t hands anymore
They look like an apple stem, the only thin part in a globe of fat
I look at my face
My face… it’s still the same
I smile yup the only part in my body that despite not being food still looks delicious.

The Tsunami and Neo

Not many people can say that they have come face to face with a tsunami and live to tell the tale. However, I am one of them. Yes, it’s true. I have gone through a tsunami and believe you me it was one of those moments in my life that I will never forget. The tsunami that I had faced was the one that took place in Mumbai in the year 2007. Don’t get confused my intellectual friend. The tsunami did take place. However, the only reason most people do not know about it is because of the lack of media coverage. That’s where I come in. For me every story, be it big or small, is news worthy! While there were no casualties recorded, there was one person who was badly injured out of embarrassment. Her name: Priyanka Joshi.THE DAY I MET THE BOMBAY….NO….MUMBAI TSUNAMI It was a beautiful day. It had just stopped raining and my college had just gotten over. ‘Adios dear educational monument of doom! I shall meet you tomorrow to kill some more brain cells!’I look at the bus stop. ‘Sigh ... buck up Priyanka. This is your only choice for the next 2 years.’ I cross the road while at the same time avoid the bullet like pan spit coming out of the auto walla’s mouth. Damn it! A little bit of it has fallen on my leg. I engrave the rickshaw’s number in my head. ‘We shall meet again my friend… we shall meet again!’I reach the stop and take out the only source that brought me salvation, my iPod. I close my eyes and try to avoid looking at the two dogs humping each other, the couple who will be doing the same at night, the beggars who are pointing at me and laughing and the toothpick shaped illiterate women who are doing the same. I open my eyes and suddenly notice a huge puddle right next to me. Hmmm… I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Puch… three men simultaneously spit in the puddle. I look at the white, bubbly, foamy specs of spit swirling around the puddle. The shapes are almost psychedelic. I fall into a trance. After what seemed like hours of daydreaming, I come back to earth and suddenly realize that a bus is approaching me…. fast. However, the trance had stopped my ability to think. I could not contemplate what would happen next. The bus screeched to a halt but not before it passed over the puddle. Suddenly time started moving like a hot summer day, painfully slow. The puddle transformed into a tidal wave and started approaching me. I could see everything in slow motion. I had entered the matrix. The tsunami was coming down on me. I could see the spit, the animal urine, the insects and the dirt mixed in the wave. How I wished I could be Neo for that moment so that I could fly away.However, unlike Neo I was not the One. The tsunami hit me hard. I was drenched from top to bottom. I could feel the mud on my head, the spit sliding off my ear lobes and the immense heat of embarrassment seeping out of my cheeks.I slap myself. It’s not a dream. I open my eyes. The two dogs mid hump were staring at me, the couple mid kiss was staring at me, the beggars mid laugh were staring at me and the toothpicks mid vomiting their food were staring at me. What do I do?! What do I do?! I look at the sky. Maybe just maybe Neo might fly down and take me away. The sunlight suddenly hit my eyes I look away and I get the message. The message sent by Neo. The message was that ‘Priyanka I’m sorry I can’t be here to save you but I have sent something that looks like me.’The ‘something’ was right there in front of me. An auto rickshaw. It was black like Neo’s clothes. It had a driver wearing black shades, like Neo. It had a green MATRIX (sim card) sticker on the glass. ‘Neo! You love me! You really love me!’Without a second thought, I jumped into the Neo/Auto and sped my way home. With a single tear in my eye and a little wad of spit on my ear lobe I reach home with my faith in love and Neo reconciled.

My attempt at serious writing

Her eyes are droopy,
She hasn't slept for a while.
Her jeans feels loose,
She has been starving for a while.
She looks at her naked body in the mirror,
She doesn't like the monster in front of her.
She tries,She fails.
Monotony. She dreads it.
Monotony. She is part of it.

She looks across at him,
A quick glance.
He is with her, she notices.
A single drop of blood escapes her eye.
She tries to stop it,She fails.
The drop of blood rolls down her check.
Her viens are on fire.
The drop of blood is burning into her skin.
It is traling down her neck,Her clavicle,Her chest.
It finally seeps into her heart.
She sighs.
Monotony. She is used to it.

Swine flu

I had taken all the precautions! What went wrong? Yes, I was always an easy target for the common cold virus but couldn't they have chosen a better time to infect me?! Yes, I got a cold and boy was I dreading every minute of it. I close my eyes and try to convince the rusty wheels in my head to work. I look at the clock. It's 7:30. Damn it! I have no time left to think! I run to the bathroom, try to unclog my nose and throat to the best of my ability, hug my mom and make sure she knows that I love her (who knows if I'll ever be able to meet her again), take a final glance at my home and set out to do the impossible.I'm at the station. So far so good. I haven't coughed or sneezed till now. The sun is blazing. A single drop of sweat trickles down my cheek. I hear the train. My heart beat quickens. I look at my left hand. I find the colorful handkerchief carefully placed. I look at my right hand. I find the razor reflecting of small flicks of light telling me its ready to face any Medusa today. Yes.. I'm equipped and ready. The train tries to steady itself. The people ready themselves. I look around. I see a woman positioning herself to enter the compartment. I see a man scratching/groping his crotch while looking at the woman. I see a crow shitting on the man. I smile. The train halts. I hold my breath, stroke my nose and neck as a symbol of love. Help me out today dearies. I enter the compartment.It's the same monotonous rituals I always have. A girl with long, frizzy hair stands in front of me ensuring her frizzy hair enter my nose and mouth. A woman taps on my shoulder, "Andheri?". I move my head left to right. She pushes me and moves forward. While on any other day I would have elbowed the woman who pushed me and made the woman who was standing in front of me bald (and believe me I would have enjoyed that!), I had important things to do today. Khar arrives. Half the train gets empty. Wow, my sensory organs are on my side today. Nothing has happened up till now. Could I really be this lucky. Past experiences say no. Maybe today is a new day. This might be a sign. I should start being an optimist. Maybe I am one of the lucky few. Maybe I a... oh oh! The bouquet of frizzy hair in front of me are tickling my nose. No get away! Let me bask in my glory! Let m... AAHAAHAAHCHOOOOO!!!!Terror.... blood chilling terror. All I see is red. I close my eyes. Do I dare... do I dare look up. I dare. A million little retinas are focused on me. I feel the glares. I'm burning. They are burning me. I feel the holes starting to appear on my body. I feel like a vampire standing in the middle of a desert at 12:00 p.m.. I am melting. My hands turn into fists. I feel the soft velvety handkerchief and the sharp blade. The sharp blade.. the sharp blade... THE SHARP BLADE! I have a weapon. Come whosoever dares to confront me. I grin. The glares reduce in succession. They know I'll do it. I grin. My station has arrived. I jump. I run. I laugh.One week later:Ah! My nose and throat are completely unclogged. I can smell the disgusting odors again. I can sing again! The sun blazes it's blessings down on us. A single drop of sweat trickles down my cheek. I hear the train. The train tries to steady itself. The people ready themselves. I look around. I see a woman positioning herself to enter the compartment. I see a man scratching/groping his crotch while looking at the woman. I see the woman slapping the man. I smile.I enter the compartment. Monotony. A girl is standing next to me. She sneezes. I glare.

THE DAY I MET MEDUSA

I stared at the big black threads of ink like hair sprouting out in all directions. Their serpentine like movement hypnotized me. I couldn’t look away. My brain screams out at me, “Look away Priyanka, look away!” But it was like my mind was disconnected from my body. I knew the repercussion. I knew I would soon face the wrath of the monster. Despite that I was unable to pull my eyes away and inevitably turned to stone. Yes, I met ‘The Medusa' and I am happy to say that I live to tell the tale. Friends, it is only out of concern for you that I write this tale. So let’s start the horrifying tale about the day I met Medusa.For all the people who don’t know who Medusa was I’ll let you know. Medusa was a monster in Greek mythology. She was identified by her hair which were serpents instead of actual hair. For those unfortunate souls who looked directly upon her, a second later they would turn to stone. She was killed by Perseus, who beheaded her. (Reference: Wikipedia my Ramayana.)Now let’s start with the unfortunate event. It was 7:00 pm IST. I reach the station from college, tired. The trains are packed with women. My claustrophobic friend and I look at each other. We are used to it. We get on the train and find a spot for us and our bags. We talk. We laugh. We fall silent. The next stop arrives. I get an eerie feeling that something is going to happen. Suddenly she arrives. She looked human. She smelled human, a stinky human but that’s moving away from the story. Suddenly she raises her hand to catch hold of the handle for support and finally reveals her true form. Her armpits are filled with a bouquet of black, serpentine hair. About an inch in length the hair aka serpents were a centimetre away from my face. I know what will happen when someone will push her towards me, the serpents would ‘bite’ my face. I try to squirm out of there but there is no place to budge. I now know my fate. I know the serpents will eventually turn me into stone out of shock when they ‘bite’ my face. I can’t help it anymore. The serpents lure me into their trap. I keep on staring at them. Time stops all of a sudden. I try to save myself but the process of my turning into stone had already begun. My face was static and I could feel the rest of my body turning into stone. The only thing I could think of at that time was “What would Perseus do now?” and the answer echoed into my mind, “He would bring a razor and shave off the hair.” “SHIT!” I thought, “I wish I had a razor with me”. Defeated I started thinking about my maa, my dad and my sister. “I’ll miss you guys!” Then suddenly something miraculous happened. The monster sympathized with me and put her hand down immediately after which two things happened. One, I turned back to normal. I felt like I had been thawed out like a block of ice. Second, someone pushed Medusa hence making her fall on me. Pissed, Medusa glared at the culprit and raised her hand to turn her into stone. I couldn’t believe my good luck. I could live. Though I felt bad for the woman, I was too happy to care. I finally got down from the train before warning my claustrophobic friend to be careful. The world never looked so beautiful.So friends this was my short but terrible tale. I have done my part. Now it is your turn. If ever you meet Medusa, though I pray you don’t, please use your razor (which I hope you will carry everyday) to shave off the serpents. Please be the hero of 2009. Please be the Perseus of 2009.

The Incredible Bulk

Today I, Priyanka Joshi, will be reveling my one and only true identity. Yes, at home or at college you might call me “The girl with the short hair” or “The girl with the average height” or “The girl with the chipped tooth” but that all changes when it comes to me on the road.The moment I’m stuck in traffic or am being pushed around by discount craving, mall hopping, Sunday shopping women, who just can’t apologize, my true identity is reveled, “The Incredible Bulk”.The fury starts from my toes and in a flash reaches my cranium and the blood bath begins and the arena is in my head.A choke slam to the auto wala who just overtook my ride.A kick to the mid section to the man who is crossing the road in a blur, though any minute now a vehicle will kill him in a second, and yet gloat while going to the other side (I have seen more intelligent chicken).A punch in the jaw to the sorry excuse of a woman who just can’t stop screaming out to her kids to grab the last bag of discount rajma so that she can fart on their faces the next time they cause trouble.A knife through the intestine of the auto walas who communicate in 3 ways when you tell them your destination:1. If the answer is yes then they just stare at you expecting you to understand that the stare means a yes.2. If the answer is no then nod their head and go away.3. And the worst of them all, the ones whose answer is no and don't even bother to tell you if they will go. The simply dash away without saying anything, like they are the reincarnation of speed racer himself.However, since these things can send me to court, leading to imprisonment, 70 years in jail through trial and finally a death sentence I perform these acts in my head. It is a sorry excuse of a life I know. Yet, if you ever find me glaring at you, flaring my nostrils, shaking my head and clenching my jaw you know that you are currently being mutilated.

Why I love the bus

I "love" the bus! Everyday is a new experience!And why do I "love" the bus so much you ask? Well, here's why!Although the bus is always full, the best time to travel is during the afternoon and office hours. The bus is packed, the sun is shining with all it's glory, the oh-so-sweet fragnance of sweat is in the air. Everyone's pores are on overdrive. Ah! can't you just smell the warm, pungent air? The glory of someone's sweat falling on you is just something, ain't it?And then suddenly the bus stops at another stop and a new batch of freshly baked and moist passengers enter the bus. Oh no! The seats are full, looks like we'll have to catch hold of the steel rods on top and simultaneously dry out our arm-pitts. Oh wow! I am standing in a crowded bus with people's sweat on me with an additional surprise of arm-pitt odor, can I really be this lucky?!Hark! What do I see in the distance? A ladies seat being empty and that too a window seat?! I start running..no no.. flying towards the seat before my other worthy copetitors take it. Along the way I see the woman's bum being rubbed across the girl's(who is sitting on the seat) face. Her expression....priceless! I finally race to the finish and get my well deserved prize.Oh yes! I look at the girl giving me an angry stare, with a mental smile, I won fair and square! But wait the glory is not yet over. As I'm basking in all of my victory, I look out of the window. An old woman eating paan is sitting in front of me. She has too much of the liquid in her mouth. Time to release the merchandise. Puch! There goes the red liquid with a beautiful aim. Oh no! There's a barrier in the middle. A strong wind blows and changes the route of the spit.Yes, you guessed it right! In a few minutes I find the freshly spat red stuff on my face. So should I burn my face? Fight with the lady or take of the tasty stuff off my face? Well, I dont smoke, so I cant burn myself yet and hence, have no matches or a lighter. So that takes burning my face off the list. Fight with the lady? Well, she's old and old people have a place in my heart! Ah! forget it. I take out my handkerchief and rub my face till it's as red as a baboon's behind.Oh! My stop has come. I get up in a frenzy,leaving my competitors to start the race again. As, I get down I glance at the bus again and hear the conductor and a passenger starting up a fight. I hear the swearing and the shouting! Damn! I missed it!